Shedding the Load!

This trail of thought started with a question the other day, "Don't you get addicted if you are in therapy long term?"

To which I said, "Would you say that about a gym or a walk when one does it long term?" I felt so thankful for that question because that was exactly the question I had in my mind when ​a few years ago I got into therapy​! I wish someone ​p​ointed to me the strangeness of such a question. 

Alain De Botton is one of my favourite philosophers of this time and he says it very clearly, "Why do we need therapists? Therapists are trained to be with you through your own exploration of your mind. They are following you in your journey into your own mind and giving you a little bit of assistance. ...."

"It (therapy) provides a concentrated normally 50 minute session during the week when it's about you and your mind and you can cement declarations, and moves, a little bit more easily in the presence of a witness. You go, I've had enough of X and being heard to have had enough of X, or I want more Y. That can really help you to cement change."​ And therapy has indeed cemented the change for me. My therapist stops me mid sentence and asks me to acknowledge the change in my reaction and asks me to recognise how far I have come. She celebrates my win like an invested sports coach! I can see her hands going up in the air in joy through my mind's eyes.

A friend recently said, there is a certain lightness about me that she has witnessed. I could only say, "I feel lighter too!"

​In the beginning, however, I wanted to get off therapy as soon as possible. Firstly, I sought therapy at a time when I had deep anxiety and I thought getting off therapy ​would confirm that there was no anxiety. Two, I did not have this definition of therapy. From there to thinking about therapy as a space for regular hygiene check, I have come a long way! I have always come across as a strong person. However, my strength was my 20 tonne shield that I carried. I had to act stronger than I felt. I protected myself against hurt, feeling of abandonment, rejection, and a constant nagging voice told me inside my head that I was not loveable. All that is gone. I know I will stilll be very hurt if I am spurned, talked badly, if I have to face rudeness, meanness, cunning behaviour but I also know I will recover. I will not start thinking the whole world is like this and I am the naive one or the stupid one for not identifying that. I can see most of us are loved by some people, not loved by some others. And both are as illogical! And it is fine. If I do not ask the universe, "Why I am loved so much!" I would also not ask "Why I am hated without a reason!"​ Can I tell you an interesting thing? I could never close my eyes fully in public. Have you taken those head massages during a haircut and shampoo in a beauty-parlour? I used to be astounded to see people could close their eyes. I used to be relieved when facilitators said close your eyes or lower your eyes. The second option was my option. Closing my eyes was almost impossible till the time sleep did not take over. I can easily close my eyes now. 

I often told my therapist that I guarded my memory about certain things fervently as I did not know if not me then who would remember my history for me? I wondered who would trust my experience of abuse without asking me why those happened to me in particular or whether they happened at all! I have again and again faced crazy-making. Whenever I raised something, significant others (significant to me) often said, they did not see that happening or that they didn't remember that in that way or that did not happen or even if that happened, it was not as bad! They said, I was making it up. I was overreacting. I can not let go. Little by little those nibbled at my confidence and to be able to trust myself, I learnt to remember every detail. For myself. To not to lose my mind. However, I got tired of holding the details. I could not let even one bit go. I did not know if I'd put it down, would there be anyone to hold my truth! In therapy, in seeing another person getting angry or reducing to tears on your behalf, in hearing another person say that should not have happened, and witnessing another person holding your history and hurt, you allow yourself to shed the load over time. You shed it without even understanding that you are. You know you do not have to hold the details anymore in order to make any other human see it. Someone sees it. You hand it over. Your therapist holds it for you. 

You become lighter.

You finally have a human who knows it and they believe you!

Aah! I cried writing those last three words....

In the picture: Gublu: she restored my faith in the possibility of healing by getting healed herself. This is the softest cat you would ever meet who has faced several abandonment and when she came to my sister's home, she hated human interaction. You should see how she comes to me now! My sister is a magician (in loving animals).