Ladybug's field notes

My Clinical Psychologist friend and I often chatted for hours on various concepts of psychology that fascinated me to no end. One topic that we often discussed was low self esteem and fragile self-image of adults. And specifically what havoc they create in other's lives. My friend had told me something during these discussions that stayed with me. She said, "Self-concept is developed by the age of three". You heard me right! And I was surprised too. She said that the child picks up self-image clues by then from her/his environment. Good boy. Bad girl. Ganda bachcha! Pretty. Not pretty. Wanted. Loved. Not wanted. Not loved. Another very important thing about the feedback during these years is that they are on things that you probably have no control over. Most of them are ascribed qualities at that time. You can do little about the sex you belong to, whether you are pretty or not, whether you are born with a foot that need surgery! But you are given constant feedback on...

My Jethima (my much older Aunt) and I shared a special bond. She pampered me and let me eat jam which I loved but could only have limited occasional amount at my own home which my mother ran in a tight budget. Jethima or Jimma as I called her was special to me for many other things too. She would let me read "n" number of story books. I could sing and dance at home. Dirty her drawing room. She did not think I was particularly naughty. I was, but it always helped when others (very few)  did not think so. However, that one day, when she came out of the bathroom, after I had used it, she did not look pleased. She called me to her room and whispered in a hard voice, "Are you menstruating? I saw some clots in the bathroom floor. Was that yours?" I was 13. I said, "No." She probed further. I had never seen her being steely like that. It broke my heart as I said "...but Jimma I would then need pads, right? And I would have to throw them too and you could h...

I am new to the field of health. I was so unaware of so many things that last year when I started visiting the health clinics run by Rural Medical Practitioners (RMPs) or quacks in Uttar Pradesh, I was shocked to see them. Since then I have traveled to many government and non-governmental health facilities (not the fancy private ones) and the my shockers are behaving better. However this note is not about how bad the public health facilities are, this is about a pleasant surprise that I encountered during my recent visit to one of the High Priority Districts of Rajasthan. This is about the human spirit that I celebrate whenever I encounter. This is about making the best given all the constraints in the system.  We all know the statistics. Our health sector is suffering from chronic problem around human resource. We dont have enough doctors in the public sector (the lure of private sector is too much), not enough nurses, ANMs (Auxiliary Nursing Matron) and now in Rajasthan the...

I would start this write up with a mail that I had once written to The Telegraph in response to a column by a certain Ms Singh who ridiculed the idea of tribe groups protecting forests. She compared forest dwellers'claiming the land they have been living-in, with Waqf board claiming Taj Mahal. Laughable as it may seem now, for me, who was then working with the groups that were fighting for the passage of Forest Dweller's bill, it was enough to sit down and write a scathing letter to the editor and my boiling blood (which is colder by 10 years now!) made me make two "personal" comments. I said probably the author's limited exposure to the tribal and forest villages had led her to believe forests can not be protected in presence of human inhabitants living there whereas history shows in India, communities were brought-in, to protect forests (Van Tongiys for example). And I made a reference to her privileged upbringing. The editor of the news paper thankfully omitt...

I learnt some important lessons on "sharing" in the year that passed by. Or you may say I made some conclusions (for the time being) on sharing. I am not promising that I have learnt from all those experiences but that does not stop me from sharing my new-found knowledge, right?  Why do we share? I don't know your answer but mine is because we can ! Why did we share with you? Because you were present at that moment and we did not find it justified enough to discriminate against you (double wink)! And I know, many can not. If you can not share, you have a valid reason to crib. It is indeed a problem. Are there trust issues? You can not make friends easily, may be because you are working in this shift of life with a "part-organ" called trust. This organ needs to be restored so that you start trusting and don't hurt other people with the sharp edges of this partly broken organ. Work on it as soon as possible and don't try to give hundred and one re...

"I am the demon! Come have a look at me!" as he pushed himself into the car. It was past midnight in May. Delhi was hot as hell and Haryana looked as menacing as one has read in newspaper, that late in night. I touched my earlobe many a times as we looked for her house in old part of the city. My friend noticed my nervousness and talked in a calm voice with the driver as we took detours and u-turns through dark and semi dark alleys. The girl we were trying to reach was in dire need and we had to reach her. I did not know her. She did not know me. We had never seen each other. She could hardly give me the address. I absolutely did not know the locality. I could not get a known driver. I only knew that I had to go. I only knew I probably could only ask this friend to accompany. She only knew that I was her sister-in law's trusted friend. And she had to leave the home that night with her 3 year old kid. Her home was the most dangerous place for her that night. She was so de...

This blog post came to my mind while going through many writings in the recent past on how a whole generation of us have been taught to establish man woman equality. And on a lighter vein, how seriously we took that role!  When I joined the development sector, I was out to prove anything that a man of my age could do, I could do too. And working in SRUTI, a NGO that supported activists in far flung areas of the country, I was subjected to the toughest of the tests in this regard. To begin with SRUTI was highly skeptical about adding a woman to their team (of men, largely). I had to jump into proving that I was no less than a "man in the team" the moment I joined. I joined on 5th of May and I was sent to Jhabua area of Madhya Pradesh for a month starting 11th of May. This post is specifically about the struggles of washing one self in the areas where there was no concept of a bathroom and men, with whom you were travelling did not think they should try to make any extra ...

Today after a long time I was thinking about our time in Banaras Hindu University (BHU). We had studied there in the mid 1990s. BHU has a large number of hostels for students which made it one of the most sought after university of our times. A time when Kolkata did not have many residential colleges and hence BHU received horde of students. I do not know how it is now. BHU or Varanasi was our first encounter with North India and its culture. In our cities we had faced taunts on the road, catcalls, comments on how we looked etc which was called "eve teasing" in common parlance. I have a problem with this term. It probably does not describe the grave impact it can have on a girl's life. I am relieved to note that others are also finding that expression strange. It is being called sexual harassment. and the #askingforit campaign by Breakthrough  http://www.breakthrough.tv/  has been launched to show the falacy of the term. Coming back to BHU, however, what we faced the...

The other day I posted a news about Sitar Maestro Ravi Shankar and Annapurna Devi on my Facebook page.  A newspaper reported Ravi Shankar was uncomfortable with his wife's superior talent and that lead to the wife not playing publicly anymore. This was confirmed by the wife. I  used that example to highlight a deep seated problem of masculinity which is to remain superior in a marital relationship. I thought I was being cautious while putting up the post as I lamented saying, "Why men, in general" instead of "Why all men...". It seemed later, I was not cautious  enough. I t caused some hurt around. Not so much with the male readers, at least not to the extent that they felt the need to defend their creed. In one response/reaction I was told, I was generalizing. I, on the other hand thought, I was pretty conscious, most of the time to avoid unnecessary generalization,  based on isolated facts. I n this case, I defended generalization. I  soon however, remembe...

1. How do you know the students/women/rape survivor/villagers/displaced people were right in their manner of protest? Why were they using sanitary pads to write their messages? 2. How do you know they are not wrong in raising the issue? 3. Why are they raising it NOW? Why are you supporting them NOW? 4. How do you know this is not political in nature? (I know it is. So? You lose your case. ) 5. Have you heard the other side of the story? 6. Have you protested against all the bad things that are happening in all the other parts of the world? (I am sure you did not against the afforestation in Central Africa which is causing the current Ebola epidemic! What! you did not hear about that causing it? See. I told you!) 7. Did you stand up for that particular incident 10 or 20 years ago that happened in your college campus in the 1990s? You did not? You have no right to feel bad about anything that happened thereafter. 8. In such and such part of such and such country if women/student...