I received a phone call a few days back. The caller described how he has taken a new house on rent in the city he has shifted to. How the preparations were in full swing in the house for arrival of his wife and their only child. How he look forward to the reunion! All normal conversation between two erstwhile neighbors. Only this time it was raising my heart-beat. It was worrying me to no end that the "wife" in question would have to go and stay with this man. The man who was bragging about reunion of family, is a violent man. He called to boast that all my efforts to ensure peace for his wife fell flat. This man who verbally and physically abuses his wife and quite unabashed about it, scares the hell out of me too. Yes. I get scared. The one who is generally referred to as "the tigress" of the family and the neighborhood gets actually scared in the heart of heart. I become scared because I know how low these men can stoop and I also know that I am no match in that department. No. His threats through common acquaintances don't scare me. I know my rights and responsibilities too well. I don't get intimidated when this man threatens to book me under "SC-ST (Prevention of) Atrocities' Act" for going to his house and intercepting his "one to one" time with his wife! A man who beats up his wife with anything including a rolled news paper (he, himself told this to it to make us understand how mild his nature is) threatens me with SC/ST Act for intervening to save his wife! He, who plays with law, threatens me with law! I wish he read a little more on the laws. May be about article 354 of IPC, 298 (A) and (B) before threatening me and of course he needed to read on 498 and PWDVA. I know he would now. As he would be one of the first ones to read my blog ;) These people keep a close watch on their "perceived" enemies.
Their family was friendly for a long time but then we were not considered friends anymore. We then got to know their dark secret, you see! This had to remain a secret, which was why he closed the door closest to the window towards the lift lobby before he turned on the heat. All his efforts went in vain. As one skeleton tumbled out of the closet after another. We are not called for any heart to heart anymore, 'though. And thank our lucky stars for that! Who wants to hear the gory details from him for hours altogether? We have been replaced by new ones who would still try to understand his viewpoint. We have shown our colors. We have taken a stand. A stand to clearly stand by the woman. We have refused to understand how "she makes him beat her". But this stand was not easy at our end too.
Kunal is very popular in the apartment complex. So much so that people hardly knows his wife. He is always available for you. Very culturally oriented. His life moves around cultural festivals and his family. He was the only person who went to attend the One Billion Rising campaign (http://onebillionrising.org/) from our apartment to stand up against violence against women! Oops! But, true. He had many friends in the apartment, including me. We have together stood up against many unlawful activity in the area. I never once doubted that he would be a perpetrator of domestic violence. But then the wife called me one day to discuss a few things. She wanted to meet me. I thought the previous night , "There is something uncanny about Kunal. I will not be surprised if his wife tells me that he is suspicious of her". But that was all. I could not think in my wildest dreams that he was physically abusive. I could not fathom when late from work, she was asked, "Have you been raped already? If it is over why are you taking any longer?" That she was called names and then asked if she could enjoy a film with these abusive words why couldn't she enjoy these in her own life!
My next door neighbor always complained about Kunal's fox like laughter which left her very uncomfortable but none of us could stop gaping in disbelief when he started defending himself. "Do you know I have to take responsibility of contraception?" "Do you know she did not change her surname after marriage?" "Do you know she makes me change train tickets after booking?" "Do you know she comes late from work?" "Do you know I am served the same vegetable several days in a row?" And all these were reason enough to abuse her. He asked us, "Am I god that I would not beat up my wife?" Made me and the other women assembled there cringe in rage. Is that his idea of a normal home? Does he think we all get abused at our homes and tolerate that? What cheek!
On the other hand, the wife's reaction made us no less uncomfortable. She was earning well. Seemed quite educated. Talked sense. But her reactions to the violence could at best be called mild and at worst be called conceding. "Why did you not complain to Police?" "Have you heard of provisions under 498A? Do you know people use it even to get back at men and you have a solid case here?" "If he keeps your bank account under watch, if he checks your email accounts and phones any time it pleases him, if you have to face questioning to support your ailing mother, if he hands out a list of things to do to you every morning, if he tells you all the time that you can be pulled by your hair to a particular place but he is just not doing so, not yet...all these qualify as domestic violence." "Why are you not taking recourse of PWDVA (http://www.pwdvact.in/)?" At times I thought whether the predictability of the cycle was something that kept her in the relationship. I was left wondering at other times whether she knew what all come under the purview of domestic violence! Did she recognise she was being abused? Did she realize that the fact that she was constantly under surveillance amounted to violence? To give her the due credit she had actually gone to Police one night after being beaten black and blue. The Police reasoned with the husband and sent her back to the same house with the same man at the dead of night! I wish she had the name of the Police Officer. Kunal told him, "See! You went to the Police right? Even they understand it is normal." And yes, she has never heard of 498A! "Is it a recent provision?", she asked when I talked about it.
I saw her over a period of two years after she confided in us about the violent behavior of the husband. We asked her what does she want. An understanding between the two to live better? or a separation? She always said "freedom". In no unclear terms. She never changed her version. However, she was not ready to do anything concrete for that "freedom". She did not follow through suggestions or plans that could get her the freedom that she said she wanted. She could not plan meticulously. She could not stand in face of her husband's questioning. She went to an NGO for help. When husband charged her, she said I gave the address. I asked her to go meet a lawyer and take a call. She took an appointment but could not go. Why? because the husband started shouting when she made an excuse for going out. For a long period of two years, she just could not get her act together. So much so that all the other friends involved started saying I should stay out of it as I was being the target of her husband's ire. Her older friends moved on. They did not support her no more. They must had seen the same pattern. She dreamed her freedom but never worked for it.
My friend Neema called the other day and said, "You stay away." And so said my sister from a country faraway. I have stayed away. And so have all of you. All the neighbors. When you finally came, you also came to reason with Kunal, much like the Police. I know you meant well and was trying to protect her interest in your mind but was that the best route, reason with an abuser. When has an abuser stopped abusing when others reasoned with him/her? Was I disappointed? Yes. I was. You said, relationships are complicated. I agreed. However I also strongly believe you need to draw a line. I wonder whether you would have reasoned with a potential murderer or seen him behind bars. Am I overreacting? No. Please refer to the WHO data on women being killed by their intimate partners and you would know what I am talking about http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/the-social-network/intimate-enemy-who-survey-partners-murder-women/280121. When the good-hearted Uncle and Auntie next door came and said he was repentant, I wanted to scream and say he has said that for 10 long years and continued the abuse. I have seen it for 2 years at least. I care two hoots for that kind of repentance! Good that within a few days they saw the cunning ways of the man and now knows too well. Kunal on his part thinks he fooled them but we don't bother about what he thinks.
On my part, I stayed away from the very beginning. This is not because I got scared of his threats. No. I am not staying away because Kunal told everyone how he can stuff money in Police's mouth and "take care" of things. I stayed away because I know the wife needs to take her own call. It is her decision. Whatever it is. I can only support whenever she needs it. No. I don't think she is a coward because she has not taken the decision yet. I respect her no less just because she is yet to stand up straight and call it a day. I know it is not easy. I know it is not easy because when you finally called the Police home, it was your neighbors, dissuaded you and sent the Police back. I know its not easy because women who walk out of relationships are still known as failures. I know they still talk about "what was wrong with her!" even when you get out of a relationship because of abuse.
As I watch her, I wait patiently for you to take a decision, all my fellow women. I know some day no one will be able to dissuade you. No one will be able to shake your rock solid determination. I wait in the wings to watch you perform and am ready to help you rehearse a hundred times before the final act. I am ready to read out lines when you forget. To give you cues when you trip. And in all these I also fight my own battles in my head. I know you would do the same for me when I need. You would help me rehearse, my fellow women. And I rehearse my steps against oppression of each day. May lasting peace be ours!
Their family was friendly for a long time but then we were not considered friends anymore. We then got to know their dark secret, you see! This had to remain a secret, which was why he closed the door closest to the window towards the lift lobby before he turned on the heat. All his efforts went in vain. As one skeleton tumbled out of the closet after another. We are not called for any heart to heart anymore, 'though. And thank our lucky stars for that! Who wants to hear the gory details from him for hours altogether? We have been replaced by new ones who would still try to understand his viewpoint. We have shown our colors. We have taken a stand. A stand to clearly stand by the woman. We have refused to understand how "she makes him beat her". But this stand was not easy at our end too.
Kunal is very popular in the apartment complex. So much so that people hardly knows his wife. He is always available for you. Very culturally oriented. His life moves around cultural festivals and his family. He was the only person who went to attend the One Billion Rising campaign (http://onebillionrising.org/) from our apartment to stand up against violence against women! Oops! But, true. He had many friends in the apartment, including me. We have together stood up against many unlawful activity in the area. I never once doubted that he would be a perpetrator of domestic violence. But then the wife called me one day to discuss a few things. She wanted to meet me. I thought the previous night , "There is something uncanny about Kunal. I will not be surprised if his wife tells me that he is suspicious of her". But that was all. I could not think in my wildest dreams that he was physically abusive. I could not fathom when late from work, she was asked, "Have you been raped already? If it is over why are you taking any longer?" That she was called names and then asked if she could enjoy a film with these abusive words why couldn't she enjoy these in her own life!
My next door neighbor always complained about Kunal's fox like laughter which left her very uncomfortable but none of us could stop gaping in disbelief when he started defending himself. "Do you know I have to take responsibility of contraception?" "Do you know she did not change her surname after marriage?" "Do you know she makes me change train tickets after booking?" "Do you know she comes late from work?" "Do you know I am served the same vegetable several days in a row?" And all these were reason enough to abuse her. He asked us, "Am I god that I would not beat up my wife?" Made me and the other women assembled there cringe in rage. Is that his idea of a normal home? Does he think we all get abused at our homes and tolerate that? What cheek!
On the other hand, the wife's reaction made us no less uncomfortable. She was earning well. Seemed quite educated. Talked sense. But her reactions to the violence could at best be called mild and at worst be called conceding. "Why did you not complain to Police?" "Have you heard of provisions under 498A? Do you know people use it even to get back at men and you have a solid case here?" "If he keeps your bank account under watch, if he checks your email accounts and phones any time it pleases him, if you have to face questioning to support your ailing mother, if he hands out a list of things to do to you every morning, if he tells you all the time that you can be pulled by your hair to a particular place but he is just not doing so, not yet...all these qualify as domestic violence." "Why are you not taking recourse of PWDVA (http://www.pwdvact.in/)?" At times I thought whether the predictability of the cycle was something that kept her in the relationship. I was left wondering at other times whether she knew what all come under the purview of domestic violence! Did she recognise she was being abused? Did she realize that the fact that she was constantly under surveillance amounted to violence? To give her the due credit she had actually gone to Police one night after being beaten black and blue. The Police reasoned with the husband and sent her back to the same house with the same man at the dead of night! I wish she had the name of the Police Officer. Kunal told him, "See! You went to the Police right? Even they understand it is normal." And yes, she has never heard of 498A! "Is it a recent provision?", she asked when I talked about it.
I saw her over a period of two years after she confided in us about the violent behavior of the husband. We asked her what does she want. An understanding between the two to live better? or a separation? She always said "freedom". In no unclear terms. She never changed her version. However, she was not ready to do anything concrete for that "freedom". She did not follow through suggestions or plans that could get her the freedom that she said she wanted. She could not plan meticulously. She could not stand in face of her husband's questioning. She went to an NGO for help. When husband charged her, she said I gave the address. I asked her to go meet a lawyer and take a call. She took an appointment but could not go. Why? because the husband started shouting when she made an excuse for going out. For a long period of two years, she just could not get her act together. So much so that all the other friends involved started saying I should stay out of it as I was being the target of her husband's ire. Her older friends moved on. They did not support her no more. They must had seen the same pattern. She dreamed her freedom but never worked for it.
My friend Neema called the other day and said, "You stay away." And so said my sister from a country faraway. I have stayed away. And so have all of you. All the neighbors. When you finally came, you also came to reason with Kunal, much like the Police. I know you meant well and was trying to protect her interest in your mind but was that the best route, reason with an abuser. When has an abuser stopped abusing when others reasoned with him/her? Was I disappointed? Yes. I was. You said, relationships are complicated. I agreed. However I also strongly believe you need to draw a line. I wonder whether you would have reasoned with a potential murderer or seen him behind bars. Am I overreacting? No. Please refer to the WHO data on women being killed by their intimate partners and you would know what I am talking about http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/the-social-network/intimate-enemy-who-survey-partners-murder-women/280121. When the good-hearted Uncle and Auntie next door came and said he was repentant, I wanted to scream and say he has said that for 10 long years and continued the abuse. I have seen it for 2 years at least. I care two hoots for that kind of repentance! Good that within a few days they saw the cunning ways of the man and now knows too well. Kunal on his part thinks he fooled them but we don't bother about what he thinks.
On my part, I stayed away from the very beginning. This is not because I got scared of his threats. No. I am not staying away because Kunal told everyone how he can stuff money in Police's mouth and "take care" of things. I stayed away because I know the wife needs to take her own call. It is her decision. Whatever it is. I can only support whenever she needs it. No. I don't think she is a coward because she has not taken the decision yet. I respect her no less just because she is yet to stand up straight and call it a day. I know it is not easy. I know it is not easy because when you finally called the Police home, it was your neighbors, dissuaded you and sent the Police back. I know its not easy because women who walk out of relationships are still known as failures. I know they still talk about "what was wrong with her!" even when you get out of a relationship because of abuse.
As I watch her, I wait patiently for you to take a decision, all my fellow women. I know some day no one will be able to dissuade you. No one will be able to shake your rock solid determination. I wait in the wings to watch you perform and am ready to help you rehearse a hundred times before the final act. I am ready to read out lines when you forget. To give you cues when you trip. And in all these I also fight my own battles in my head. I know you would do the same for me when I need. You would help me rehearse, my fellow women. And I rehearse my steps against oppression of each day. May lasting peace be ours!
Dear Nayana,
ReplyDeleteA very touchy writing indeed and may be this one is representing a large number of women. It is really difficult to understand the mentality of a person who have two completely different persona.I have faced this situation in my own first family and I know how people think even when they are suffering. Lack of family support most of the time do not allow a woman to take the first step and thus even if the life is hell, they try to continue, thinking about parents and children.
I think the development of a child is very complicated- who witnesses abuse and violence on mother and where the perpetrator is again a very close person, a father.The woman should at least think about normal development of her own child.
In my own experience, I think first and foremost reason for not standing against violence is economic reason thus I am little confused in this case as why is she bearing this for years together? A lot of questions are floating in my mind...why why why??? Why Kunal does this? why his wife is continuing with him? what happened to the child and his normal childhood?
I am really thankful to you that you tried to support her, help her out but decided to take a stand when it was most needed. I don't know if she was lucky to have you by her side for a rock solid support ( because she didn't use the given opportunity) but as they say it was her destiny that she decided to continue living with him. May be she decided to live in a hell. Kunal certainly needs help from psychiatrist, I think his doubt, anger and violence is not normal at all.
Wish there are many more Nayanas who are willing to support the women suffering from domestic violence and abuse. At least I give you my word Nayana, if I see any case like this in my surrounding, I won't be a mute spectator but I would extend my helping hand.
Shampa Das: I received ur blog. Desh jure ak vayabaho jantronamay aabaho. janina er sesh kothay. sabar modhye aatmosamman bodh o suchetona sancharito karar janyo chai sustho jiban bodh. R er janyo darkar niyamito samaj chetanar chrcha tatha jogyo proshikshan.Jeta pray durlav. Aatmasukh sarboswa maus sangbedanshilata haria felchhe kromosho.Bharsha ei j tomra o aachoo aas pshe. bhalo thako.sahoshikata sahomarmita jari thakuk.
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