When you talk of "feminism" and "women empowerment" the reaction of the larger public both off line and online is fear at best and vocal misogyny at the worst. As I work in an organisation that works on making discrimination and violence against women and girls unacceptable, we face this repeatedly in the villages that we work in. I for one, have always truly believed that a gender-just world is better for both men and women (even if I live within the gender binary) along with all the other genders. However, I often face a hostile reaction to the word feminism even from the educated. I have a doubt that it is majorly because of the word "fem" being associated with it and according to the norms of masculinity anything associated with females/femininity is often associated with inadequacy, lowering one's status, as well as becoming inferior. The so called woke men who engage in the issues of gender-justice and feminism also often come from a position of magnanimity, or "big heart" who are doing it for those who are oppressed. Is there nothing in the struggle against patriarchy for men? Women have often articulated the fight for a gender-just world is not a fight against men, it is a fight against patriarchy but is the fight against patriarchy beneficial to men? Or they have to just be around so that they look good and it is just "political correctness" like one of my brothers in law told me. Or it is just that as "good" men they need to support the idea of women's empowerment.
I have always felt worried about the proposition of working with men and boys without their real stake in the issue of gender justice. I am worried about using men and boys as instruments to bring about a change that they essentially think is not beneficial for them. This made me examine what traditional masculinity brings to men. Please note I am not using the word "toxic" at all. The definition of traditional masculinity can be fuzzy and is very dependent on the cultural context. However when you hear the words associated with masculinity such as stoicism, dominance, aggression, and violence, and you hear American Psychologist Ryon McDermott note that in many situations, more moderate expressions of those traits, along with other masculine ideals, are totally healthy and advantageous to people of all genders. “Sometimes it’s good to be aggressive. Sometimes it’s good to be dominant,” McDermott says. “But if you operate only on that frame of mind, then what happens when you encounter a situation when you need to be more egalitarian?” Or worse, when encounter a situation that need you to be vulnerable? And what happens when you are extremely uncomfortable and actively resist both? What happens if as a man living with traditional masculine ideas of competition, stoicism, being in control, always dominant and you have a huge emotional issue to share?
That brings me to an interesting round of questioning that I had with some of my male friends, who are both friends in off-line and on-line spaces. I asked what do men share with friends? Do they discuss issues such as marital problems, deep emotional problems with their male friends? And what one of the friends said summed up the issue of masculinity to me. He said, "Of course men share emotional stuff! My cousins do! It is another thing that I do not. I do not feel the need!" Interesting, eh? A man who knows he does not share his emotional problems thinks (or says) that other men do. This actually made me acutely aware of how disconnected men might be with each other on that basic need of human beings around getting emotional support. Another friend on the same question, said the following: " They (men) don't talk about wives over alcohol and cigarettes. That would be boring! I mean they definitely won't say that 'I don't know how to handle her'. Most of the times the conversation is about wife's interaction with his family versus her paternal family and the disputes between them. Or they will say that 'My wife has weird ideas! Weird demands! She is very strange! Unreasonable!", but will avoid mentioning how they fail to have a conversation over issues with her." If you listen to my first friend, men do not need deep sharing. Is really true or it is a deep masculine socialisation that is making him believe that? And what is it that men losing in believing that? Well! It is as basic as the life itself! They are losing their lives!
I looked at the main causes of death among adult men and within no time found Suicide, Injuries (accidental deaths), Diabetes, Stroke in the top six reasons. And when you look at the reasons of stroke, you find, tobacco use, excessive alcohol intake, Diabetes (again), as well as some illegal drugs. All of them point out to the lack of space where men are allowed to be human beings. Curiously, Men's Rights Activists talk about the high number of suicides but fail to see that the very system they want to uphold is in reality the fertile ground of suicides among men. Men need to be vulnerable, not so strong, not always first, and deeply afraid along with being competitive, aggressive, stoic, and strong, like all of us. It is not one or the other. We all have all of these emotions and needs. Expressing oneself is not some kind of inadequacy. Men should not feel that every time they are emotional they risk losing the "halo of masculinity".
Men can not be all that in the prevailing gender norms. They can not live without fear. Without constantly being pushed to perform. And the reasons for death definitely indicate that whatever my friend says about his lack of "need" to share, men do need that space. They need to cry without being told they were not manly enough. Sadness should be as acceptable as "anger" in a little boy. A boy being too embarrassed to ask for something should not worry his parents more than they do for girls. The "pack" of boys, the "gang" of boys should be really there to support. To understand. To hold their friends up, emotionally, without having to use a few bottles of beer. To not to laugh at one breaking up. Breaking up is being human! Let men be human again! That is what is there in it for them. More life!
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| Photo: Sunil |
I have always felt worried about the proposition of working with men and boys without their real stake in the issue of gender justice. I am worried about using men and boys as instruments to bring about a change that they essentially think is not beneficial for them. This made me examine what traditional masculinity brings to men. Please note I am not using the word "toxic" at all. The definition of traditional masculinity can be fuzzy and is very dependent on the cultural context. However when you hear the words associated with masculinity such as stoicism, dominance, aggression, and violence, and you hear American Psychologist Ryon McDermott note that in many situations, more moderate expressions of those traits, along with other masculine ideals, are totally healthy and advantageous to people of all genders. “Sometimes it’s good to be aggressive. Sometimes it’s good to be dominant,” McDermott says. “But if you operate only on that frame of mind, then what happens when you encounter a situation when you need to be more egalitarian?” Or worse, when encounter a situation that need you to be vulnerable? And what happens when you are extremely uncomfortable and actively resist both? What happens if as a man living with traditional masculine ideas of competition, stoicism, being in control, always dominant and you have a huge emotional issue to share?
That brings me to an interesting round of questioning that I had with some of my male friends, who are both friends in off-line and on-line spaces. I asked what do men share with friends? Do they discuss issues such as marital problems, deep emotional problems with their male friends? And what one of the friends said summed up the issue of masculinity to me. He said, "Of course men share emotional stuff! My cousins do! It is another thing that I do not. I do not feel the need!" Interesting, eh? A man who knows he does not share his emotional problems thinks (or says) that other men do. This actually made me acutely aware of how disconnected men might be with each other on that basic need of human beings around getting emotional support. Another friend on the same question, said the following: " They (men) don't talk about wives over alcohol and cigarettes. That would be boring! I mean they definitely won't say that 'I don't know how to handle her'. Most of the times the conversation is about wife's interaction with his family versus her paternal family and the disputes between them. Or they will say that 'My wife has weird ideas! Weird demands! She is very strange! Unreasonable!", but will avoid mentioning how they fail to have a conversation over issues with her." If you listen to my first friend, men do not need deep sharing. Is really true or it is a deep masculine socialisation that is making him believe that? And what is it that men losing in believing that? Well! It is as basic as the life itself! They are losing their lives!
I looked at the main causes of death among adult men and within no time found Suicide, Injuries (accidental deaths), Diabetes, Stroke in the top six reasons. And when you look at the reasons of stroke, you find, tobacco use, excessive alcohol intake, Diabetes (again), as well as some illegal drugs. All of them point out to the lack of space where men are allowed to be human beings. Curiously, Men's Rights Activists talk about the high number of suicides but fail to see that the very system they want to uphold is in reality the fertile ground of suicides among men. Men need to be vulnerable, not so strong, not always first, and deeply afraid along with being competitive, aggressive, stoic, and strong, like all of us. It is not one or the other. We all have all of these emotions and needs. Expressing oneself is not some kind of inadequacy. Men should not feel that every time they are emotional they risk losing the "halo of masculinity".
Men can not be all that in the prevailing gender norms. They can not live without fear. Without constantly being pushed to perform. And the reasons for death definitely indicate that whatever my friend says about his lack of "need" to share, men do need that space. They need to cry without being told they were not manly enough. Sadness should be as acceptable as "anger" in a little boy. A boy being too embarrassed to ask for something should not worry his parents more than they do for girls. The "pack" of boys, the "gang" of boys should be really there to support. To understand. To hold their friends up, emotionally, without having to use a few bottles of beer. To not to laugh at one breaking up. Breaking up is being human! Let men be human again! That is what is there in it for them. More life!
Well expressed and pointed. In my friend circle thier is always a topic. Marriage and i avoid to talk more about it. I feel a men have a pressure to be a strong and non expressive object. I watched a movie recently which make me cry. The men who was sitting next to me wqs smiling on me.then i just had a thought what is wrong with them?
ReplyDeleteThey are just victims of patriarchy!
DeleteVery well written..
ReplyDeleteThank you Nadeem. Hope more men think on this
Delete"Men need to be vulnerable, not so strong, not always first, and deeply afraid along with competitive, aggressive, stoic, and strong like all of us. It is not one or the other",
ReplyDeletehow well put Nayana. These findings are thought provoking. They should stop being in denial.
Thank you! I hope it can inspire more men to think..
DeleteThe need for the men to be vulnerable is indeed dire. We don't do it often or do it infrequently in a crisis. We think that not only stoicism and aggression required in a family sphere but more so in the leadership positions. I also conjecture if the gap between life span of men and women is because of the inability or unwillingness of men to be vulnerable. May be, I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think what men is not sharing, is killing them. May be some day, some researcher will prive it beyond doubt but for now the unmistakable link between the top reasons of death and stress is too difficult to not to miss.
ReplyDeleteVery well written!
ReplyDeleteIts very important for men to be emotional, to be vulnerable...to be human... it all starts from the childhood, how you give space to your boys to express their emotions so that they don't grow up to emotionally challenged..
You said it Saswati! And you and Manu bring me hope.
DeleteVery rightly put. Men too need to be as much human as women, don't expect women to be super woman and men don't need to be super man.
ReplyDeleteYes! And humanization will set us all free!
DeleteSimply Wow..
ReplyDeletehey thanks!
DeleteIt's so amazing that you have so much hope from men and from a society so entrenched in patriarchy.
ReplyDeleteI used to feel (still feel?) so angry all the time, most of my reactions to sucky actions by men would be, "Well, men suck". That was until Pihu told me that such an attitude attributes certain inherent behavioural characteristics to men, which are actually not inherent, but brought about by people around them. If one leaves it at that (Well men suck), we sort of diminish the space for improvement.
Most importantly, we relieve men from their responsibility to become better individuals, because that is how they are, there is nothing to be done. But there are things to be done, and actions to be taken. Men who suck choose to suck.
I do not believe that men are inherently like that. I think men can redeem themselves. It is a choice not to. The first step is to identify what is killing them both emotionally and physically. And become humans again.
DeleteAnd Butu, this is the only place I have. This is my home. What I do other than trying to make it better? There is no Planet B, right? Lots of love!
हमारा समाज लड़कों को रोने की इजाज़त नहीं देता क्योंकि इसका सीधा संबंध पुरुषत्व की उस अवधारणा से है जो कहती है, “मर्द को दर्द नहीं होता”। हमारे समाज में मर्दों को हिम्मती, लड़ाकू, बलशाली या गुस्सैल स्वभाव का माना जाता है। किसी पुरुष के अंदर करुणा और दयालुता की भावना है भी तो वह समाज और मर्दानगी के चोले में दब जाती है।
ReplyDeleteमुझे वाकई बहुत आश्चर्य होता है कि लोग भावनाओं को भी दोहरे नज़रिए से देखते हैं। क्या अपनी फीलिंग्स आंसुओं के ज़रिये बयां करना सिर्फ लड़कियों का डिपार्टमेंट है? क्या “मर्द को दर्द नहीं होता” टैगलाइन के पीछे एक भावुक पुरुष छुपा है?
Very beautifully written and very helpful. And give so many points that patriarchy is not privilege for boys and men but a unseen burden
ReplyDelete