Claiming the Calm!

It is almost time to wrap the year! Although Instagram is offering a photo collage, have photos ever known the story as well as the words? For some may be yes! For me it's definitely a no!

In 2022, the bright idea of making life a little more calm struck me and struck me hard! For years a dear friend had been suggesting me to create a physical distance from the people who clearly did not contribute to my mental peace, but I hesitated. It was too comfortable staying in the place I called mine. I stayed there for years. The familiarity was comforting even if not peaceful. In 2019, I almost thought of shifting to another locality after Gogol left for college, but decided against it as it was not really ticking the requirement of being physically far that way, and soon there was covid...

In a nutshell, finally in 2022, I started claiming my calm. Well! Ahem! In instalments...

I claimed and reclaimed my physical and mental boundary​ this year​. ​Reclaimed because you need claiming it once is not enough. You need to practice it. And ​one has to become okay with being reprimanded for protecting one's boundary. ​It hurts me still to be judged but I am taking it more in my stride. ​I want to give myself a big pat in the back for not budging with threats, coercing, enticements​. I ​firmly ​stood by my boundaries and let me tell you, ​it pays in terms of having a more peaceful existence (albeit boring without all the drama 😜)​, just do not forget it needs to be constantly emphasised. ​

This year I said the words that long sat on my chest with loads of empathy, and no expectation of acknowledgement or any discussion on that. The punishment that was (and is) meted out for saying them was too familiar. No surprises there. It is a norm to not to hold the abuser accountable in our society. The enablers jump in to tell you how s/he was hurt hearing all that... (where is my facepalm emoji! Sadho dekho jag baurana... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Q4KsztawP0 )

I became more mindful of who I want to meet. Understanding that time is on premium... I do not have the space to connect casually, while watching a movie, for example. Casual conversations tire me. I am looking for heart to heart. 

I tried building a calmer home in a calmer location this year. I am still around the "try" territory. It takes efforts. It needs a lot of unlearning and relearning. For one, I had forgotten cooking with only a few utensils. Now I have to cook, wash, cook again, and rewash the same ones. I did something like that last probably 25 years ago. I had to learn living without getting vegetables, meats, grocery on call. I surprised some people by the move who thought I thrive with people around. I understood long ago that I do not. I love my people dearly, but, they are few. I surprised some more who thought the motto of life is to "settle" and I, a middle aged woman, opted for just the opposite. None of these surprises were intended. I learnt people were surprised only along the way. I was only trying to stay away from things that disturbed me much. This thought itself surprised some more. Living with toxicity is the norm. "Who has heard people making a distance and being happy?!! One needs to remain bound by mutual-unhappiness. She is doing the opposite! How insolent! Zarur koyi aur baat hai!" 😁 

I learnt this year that like all other relationships, friendships are not forever. You grow. Your friend grows. You may grow in different directions and so far you can hold space for each other's growth, it is fine. I also learnt although you had once been together in one stage of life, you may not be at the same place at the same time throughout your life's journey. ​This year ​

I mustered up the courage to see the relationships for what they are. I accepted not being forgiven in some of them and being okay with it. I also learnt one does not have to be forgiven just because one has sought forgiveness, any way. Also forgiveness is not necessary for moving on. I also realised some pains will stay, especially those related to childhood, and we will still be our fullest selves. 

However, this year I also saw, if you keep your compassionate heart alive for your friend, it is always great to connect; physically or virtually, hugging or not. Friends are still my first and only family. One of my most memorable moments this year is sipping tea sitting on a rock amidst a gargling river and it was possible thanks to a generous friend! Friends still keep me there. 

This year I learnt telling one's own story in all sincerity is very important in professional

relationships too. No one needs to know the details of the predicament you are facing but if you can bring yourself to say you are facing one, most people are more than willing to understand you, to accommodate you, and take the cue and spread the trust in their circles. There are exceptions of course but I have found that people come with their baggage of wound, shame, trauma, mistrust to the workplace. Some of us are able to let go, some of us can not, at that point. I wish those who could not find the lost trust with us, they would find it somewhere else. I learnt to let go and not lament the departures. I learnt that going in the right time is as important.

I learnt to live my whole truth. If someone says "Oh you are the serious kind!" I do not flinch. I eagerly say, "Oh yes! Why would I be non-serious?" But I am also the frivolous kind. The bright laughing kind. The intense kind. The critically reflecting kind. I am all of that. In the course of a day I may feel loved, cherished, cared for, jealous, sad, angry, happy, amazed, shocked, grateful, overwhelmed, satisfied, proud and many many more. All these feelings are part of me. I am not them. 

I learnt there is so much to learn about m​yself ​and so much to be okay with. I lear

nt more about my own silly tricks, my efforts in implicating others for my (not so good) behaviour, my projections, my strangeness. I identified the woman who sits with a raised finger inside my head and asks me to follow all the conventions. I laughed and cried with myself. I finally understood that I get angry for very good reasons and learnt to be okay with it. Anger is a great boundary protection tool. I learnt about healthy anger and how not to hold it. And I am learning to love myself, finally. I am working on forgiving myself. It is about time, right?  I also learnt some people will never reflect and learnt being okay around them not pointing that they do not. 

In a nutshell, in 2022, I started claiming my calm.....In instalments. I started letting the clutter go.....I started owning my story. 

And in the new year, I will keep doing so....ever so slowly...