I am often asked in the rural areas of Eastern Uttar Pradesh, "Didi, you are a married woman..why don't you wear a bichhia (toe-ring) in your feet?" As the question generally comes after they figure out that I have a child, I laugh and ask, "Now now! just because I have a child, I don't have to be married too..do I?" Some nervous giggles follow. The women start playing safe now. "What does our brother-in-law do?" ask one of them and then come back to the real question, which is, why don't I wear a "mangalsutra", a "bindi", some "sindoor" or "bicchia". Anything....almost anything will do so far it successfully announces my marital status.
When these conversations take place in the lazy evenings after a hard day of facilitation, I joke some more but engage in a long conversation with the women surrounding me. I ask them who or what decides whether they may or may not wear all these things that they think make them look beautiful. And can every woman wear these? How about widows? An uncomfortable silence presides the semi dark court-yard. I try to lighten the mood, "Well! at least you can tell me what men wear when they get married"...the silence continues.
This is a question that I have faced a million times in both urban and rural areas. In the Central Institute of Education where I worked with teachers soon after my marriage or in the chartered buses on my way to office with highly qualified women.
"Why don't you wear a bindi at least?" a co-passenger sounded almost desperate! I said, "Why! even my husband does not wear it! It runs in the family you see!" I have little patience for these highest degree holders from various professional colleges and educational institutes, whose education did not teach them to ask "why"! And whats worse, I now find a group of them writing blogs (very understandably, the leaders are foreigners married to Indian men) on how they love to wear "sindoor" and how it is lovely to feel proud of your marital status and hence show it off. Oh Yeah! I only wish their spouses are as proud! They also brag about the fact that it is their own choice! Choice?! Well, the last time I heard, even choosing the sex of a fetus and choosing a boy over a girl is also a choice in India! This is indeed a choice when you get a third citizen's status (you are already second) in the household after delivering a baby girl, if not thrown out of the house all together.
Some of my teacher colleagues talked about this "choice" and "liking" too. I asked one them the color of she likes. "Green" she said instantly. I asked her whether she wears only green clothes or ornaments. "Of course not! How silly!" she said. Then how can wearing a mangalsutra/a bit (or a lot) of sindoor/bicchiya in the feet every single day be a choice? Why do these not sound silly? Who will ask what guides these choices, if not these educated women themselves?
Do we not feel ashamed as fellow women that widows who are as many as 14% of the women's population in India are not allowed to wear any of these just because their husbands are dead? But, then I am forgetting it is the woman who needs to be punished for her husband's death. It must had been her bad luck that killed the man. She needs to live a "punishment" thereafter.
I don't want to
elaborate on what happens to men when their wives die. It might be
enough to mention that in India it is often said that "A lucky man loses his wife and the unlucky one loses the cow"!! When I meet the women of "Ekal Nari Shakti Sangathan" (Asociation of Single Women) Rajasthan, a collective of widowed and single women I feel happy looking at their palms painted with Hinna, hands adorned with bangles, bodies clad in colorful clothes. It has not been easy for them. These rural women have shown the courage to question the tradition in the heartland of feudal India. In a society that controls even personal choices such as how one should dress up, they have traversed a long journey from the time when in a training workshop one of the group members was heard saying, "Am I a woman? I thought I was just a widow"! She did not raise her hand when the facilitators asked the "women" to raise their hands. She is one of the most dynamic leaders today. I have seen them dance, sing, participate in marriages of their children, claim their rights over their space and help fellow women to do so. These women have broken the shackles. When will we, the married women do so?
Amazing....Why these...our parents didnot put any signature on us when we were born...then why do our spouses need it when we get married....And, how come these things (sindoor, bangles, Bindi, bichiya, Chura) will prove whether a Female is 'into' that relationship or not...and why do i need support of these to SHOW I respect my Husband....AND why to show otherssss....when 'I' know what it is....Thinking about these, make me sad....how partial we are...Howcome these so called 'Choices', 'Culture', 'Showing off to others how devoted you are' ARE actually more important than a females positive attitude to make new family of her own, leaving all her loved ones for the new ones and adopting new set of life leaving behind all she has done/got so far.....Because she will be judged on those parameters of putting sindoor, bindi, bichiya, chura etc etc by OTHERS...WHO are these OTHERS...and WHO are they to JUDGE us...Moreover, why cannot a widow wear all these...Even if he husband died...she is still Married to that person....WHY again these OTHERS will make a choice on behalf of a WIDOW...Question yourselves ladies....its HIGH TIME!!!
ReplyDeleteThe strange part is,if you fight for the right of woman & her social status-quo, it will be another woman who will try to stop you ...
ReplyDeleteHave you ever noticed that..
bagz: As I and another colleague/friend of mine who often engage in gender trainings put it "We are waiting for a day when this sentence would not be mouthed in the context of gender justice":) On the surface you are right. It is often women who work as the flag bearers of patriarchy. May be during the British period people wondered, "Have you noticed, it is the native to beats you the hardest?" Or have you, yourself noticed, who treats drivers or maids or gardeners the worst? It is the security guards, who come from the same socio-economic strata. If I theorize then, the oppressed enjoys temporary phases of power by attaching him or herself to the power structure that exists. Opposing it gets her into a more vulnerable position than she already is in. Hence, it is often a member of the oppressed section without consciousness of her position, is used to perpetuate the violation. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI remember....I went to put my name in the voters list in Kolkata when i shifted in this city with my document proofs and oviously with my marriage registration certificate which clearly says, 'Nilanjana Chowdhury' as bride and 'Monosij Bagchi' as Groom....the officers were skeptical about whether they can take my application or not as our surnames do not match...She was very keen to change my surname when I said I am not interested....let it be the way it is...Legally my marriage does not need to change my surname therefore it should be acceptable everywhere in legal documents....The lady was still confused...My name is still not there in any Voters list...However, I got a driving license which has my surname and not a changed one! I was so HAPPY to see it! Its like an achievement....Why do a female needs to fight for her identity in every step of life....its so very frustrating!
ReplyDeleteBagz: Inline with what Nayana said, I feel, Women do not even realise that they are practicing patriarchy cause it is so deeply rooted in their subconcious...They feel, they like those practices that is why they do it...everyone did so why not them and why not the coming generation too...Those who question these practices, they face uncomfortable, unwanted situation...But why...if it is a choice then why it is for all...why cannot a female choose to be different by not liking those practices...and why those choose to be different face unwanted stares, uncomfortable lines.....All these definitely puts another question, "Whether practicing these are really can be considered as CHOICE or OBLIGATION of Society on Females"
ReplyDeleteGreat discussion.. I think another important think to fight for is to stop poking a hole in every girl child's ear(to put a ear ring). The girl child should grow up (may be at the age of 16) and she has to decide whether she need to wear a ear ring or not. The parent should not poke around their girl child. If the girl child herself feels she would like to wear a ear ring at 16, she is free to do so..
ReplyDeleteIt's a great read Nayana! Keep up the wonderful work!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I will point out that yes it's women ourselves who regularly and dutifully practice the inane patriarchy and it's roots are very deeply ingrained within us. The trick however to think out of the box and focus on processing how to challenge and demystify the existing gender roles inside homes, at work and at a larger scale.