"I am the demon! Come have a look at me!" as he pushed himself into the car. It was past midnight in May. Delhi was hot as hell and Haryana looked as menacing as one has read in newspaper, that late in night. I touched my earlobe many a times as we looked for her house in old part of the city. My friend noticed my nervousness and talked in a calm voice with the driver as we took detours and u-turns through dark and semi dark alleys. The girl we were trying to reach was in dire need and we had to reach her. I did not know her. She did not know me. We had never seen each other. She could hardly give me the address. I absolutely did not know the locality. I could not get a known driver. I only knew that I had to go. I only knew I probably could only ask this friend to accompany. She only knew that I was her sister-in law's trusted friend. And she had to leave the home that night with her 3 year old kid. Her home was the most dangerous place for her that night. She was so desperate that she was ready to leave with a woman she absolutely did not know. Her husband made her worried. He also made me worried when we finally reached their lane. He opened the door of the car with a jerk. He wanted to take my picture. I pleaded with him not to. He wanted to keep an evidence. He was sarcastic. He wanted me to see the demon that was him. Did I? I don't think so. I saw a combination of need of medication, counselling and good advice. And the girl who came back with me that night, his wife, needed counselling and support from her family. She eventually got neither. Although we both, who traveled those 120 km of uncertainty to get her to safety that night, tried hard that she gets some of these at least, in the weeks that followed. We failed to get her any relief beyond what we could provide immediately.
Next day when I was telling a friend about this incident, he promptly said, "Please find out why the husband had to hit her. Give him a chance to explain." I was shocked at first! He did not even ask whether I found out anything from the girl. He did not ask, how was the girl, physically, after such a violent event. He was not interested in what the girl said about the incident. I told him, "I neither asked the girl what happened, nor would I ask the guy. She sought my help to reach a place where she could feel safe until her parents arrive. I did what was asked from me. My role was limited. I was not to judge who did what and why that night." But when I was calmer, I realized why he was so anxious. He probably feels misunderstood more often than not. He projected himself in that man. Completely unnecessary. Like so many other unnecessary projections.
The incident taught me many things. Not only that night but in the coming weeks too. It also taught me what all I won't do again. I was going alone that night to get the girl in distress from an area that I did not know with a commercial vehicle. It was late at night. I only reached home at wee hours of the morning. It was only by chance that my friend agreed to accompany. When he finally decided he would come along, I was already on my way. Had he not come, I would have gone alone! I am hugely thankful today that he came along. I would not try to do this alone, ever again. Now I can also think of how else I could have better planned my journey that night, which I would hopefully remember if I ever have to do something similar.
I was told by my friend many a times to not to react to the "husband", as he feared the husband may behave strangely even with us. I had assured him that this was something I never do. I don't use these opportunities to show how strongly I condemn violence. I remain focused on the person, who sought help.
Although I kept telling myself that my role ends at giving her a safe shelter for a night, I was really sad when instead of getting her husband treatment, and arranging some counselling for her, her family sent her back to the same guy, to the same home. She remained as confused as ever. No one helped her by making her feel at home. No one gave her some time to calm down and think. I cried when I heard she returned. I wanted her to have more choices in her life. I wanted her husband to get treatment. I wanted her three year old to be safe and grow up in a better environment. I did not want this child to see a mother who had no other option but to stay in a violent home. I learnt to live with the fact that what I wanted for her meant nothing even when I helped in the moment of dire need. My advice was nothing to her parents. I was externally detached with her. I learnt that I need to practice greater detachment.
I also observed people's reactions about the incident. They revealed a bit of themselves to me in doing so. And of course there was Vijay, my buddy, a lawyer by profession, who talks to whoever I ask him to without once telling me on my face "What Nayana! Why don't you learn?! These women never take any action. Never take any advice!" He never says any of these things, although I keep asking him to talk to this person or that and his support is unstinting. As if it is enough for him that his friend has asked him to talk to someone. He makes me realize how self-centered I am. I wish some day I can become as good as him! The incident also showed how much I have to believe in myself to carry out a plan like that. Although, I know I would not go without another person with me that late in night any more, but it also taught me I really need conviction to carry out a task like that. I hope that my resolve to help a person in need remains unmoved even when I know that my efforts may not have any long term impact in their lives.
And did I mention I could have broken the taxi driver's head three times over? Ha ha! I just remained calm because I had to get this girl to my home. I not only did not shout even once at him, I also profusely thanked him upon reaching home where Sangeeta, my house manager met us at the gate at 2.30 am with money from her own salary (I did not have enough cash) to pay the taxi. It was quite a night!
"As 2015 draws to a close I am made to think about my personal and professional journey during the year. I am really prodded and pushed to talk about the highlights of the year...." I started writing with these lines, but when I started writing about that eventful night of May, it became so long that it became a blog post in itself. People rightly say I get too involved in whatever I do! I guess I will have to write about my overall journey in another post.....
Next day when I was telling a friend about this incident, he promptly said, "Please find out why the husband had to hit her. Give him a chance to explain." I was shocked at first! He did not even ask whether I found out anything from the girl. He did not ask, how was the girl, physically, after such a violent event. He was not interested in what the girl said about the incident. I told him, "I neither asked the girl what happened, nor would I ask the guy. She sought my help to reach a place where she could feel safe until her parents arrive. I did what was asked from me. My role was limited. I was not to judge who did what and why that night." But when I was calmer, I realized why he was so anxious. He probably feels misunderstood more often than not. He projected himself in that man. Completely unnecessary. Like so many other unnecessary projections.
The incident taught me many things. Not only that night but in the coming weeks too. It also taught me what all I won't do again. I was going alone that night to get the girl in distress from an area that I did not know with a commercial vehicle. It was late at night. I only reached home at wee hours of the morning. It was only by chance that my friend agreed to accompany. When he finally decided he would come along, I was already on my way. Had he not come, I would have gone alone! I am hugely thankful today that he came along. I would not try to do this alone, ever again. Now I can also think of how else I could have better planned my journey that night, which I would hopefully remember if I ever have to do something similar.
I was told by my friend many a times to not to react to the "husband", as he feared the husband may behave strangely even with us. I had assured him that this was something I never do. I don't use these opportunities to show how strongly I condemn violence. I remain focused on the person, who sought help.
Although I kept telling myself that my role ends at giving her a safe shelter for a night, I was really sad when instead of getting her husband treatment, and arranging some counselling for her, her family sent her back to the same guy, to the same home. She remained as confused as ever. No one helped her by making her feel at home. No one gave her some time to calm down and think. I cried when I heard she returned. I wanted her to have more choices in her life. I wanted her husband to get treatment. I wanted her three year old to be safe and grow up in a better environment. I did not want this child to see a mother who had no other option but to stay in a violent home. I learnt to live with the fact that what I wanted for her meant nothing even when I helped in the moment of dire need. My advice was nothing to her parents. I was externally detached with her. I learnt that I need to practice greater detachment.
I also observed people's reactions about the incident. They revealed a bit of themselves to me in doing so. And of course there was Vijay, my buddy, a lawyer by profession, who talks to whoever I ask him to without once telling me on my face "What Nayana! Why don't you learn?! These women never take any action. Never take any advice!" He never says any of these things, although I keep asking him to talk to this person or that and his support is unstinting. As if it is enough for him that his friend has asked him to talk to someone. He makes me realize how self-centered I am. I wish some day I can become as good as him! The incident also showed how much I have to believe in myself to carry out a plan like that. Although, I know I would not go without another person with me that late in night any more, but it also taught me I really need conviction to carry out a task like that. I hope that my resolve to help a person in need remains unmoved even when I know that my efforts may not have any long term impact in their lives.
And did I mention I could have broken the taxi driver's head three times over? Ha ha! I just remained calm because I had to get this girl to my home. I not only did not shout even once at him, I also profusely thanked him upon reaching home where Sangeeta, my house manager met us at the gate at 2.30 am with money from her own salary (I did not have enough cash) to pay the taxi. It was quite a night!
"As 2015 draws to a close I am made to think about my personal and professional journey during the year. I am really prodded and pushed to talk about the highlights of the year...." I started writing with these lines, but when I started writing about that eventful night of May, it became so long that it became a blog post in itself. People rightly say I get too involved in whatever I do! I guess I will have to write about my overall journey in another post.....
Good articulation.... we all learn every day, sometime by seeing, sometime by hearing, sometime by reading and sometime experiencing ourselves. I learnt a lot too Nayana....
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing
Thank you! I agree on that learning part
ReplyDelete