The earliest of the feedback

My Clinical Psychologist friend and I often chatted for hours on various concepts of psychology that fascinated me to no end. One topic that we often discussed was low self esteem and fragile self-image of adults. And specifically what havoc they create in other's lives. My friend had told me something during these discussions that stayed with me. She said, "Self-concept is developed by the age of three". You heard me right! And I was surprised too. She said that the child picks up self-image clues by then from her/his environment. Good boy. Bad girl. Ganda bachcha! Pretty. Not pretty. Wanted. Loved. Not wanted. Not loved. Another very important thing about the feedback during these years is that they are on things that you probably have no control over. Most of them are ascribed qualities at that time. You can do little about the sex you belong to, whether you are pretty or not, whether you are born with a foot that need surgery! But you are given constant feedback on them. And negative feedback. They also try to justify these cruel statements in the name of stating the "truth". 

In the later years, you may become conscious that the basic feedback you got may not be about you but may be about how the person felt about having you. You, the second girl or the third girl. You, the child born with disability. You, the child who came too soon. You realise that these feelings determined many of these feedback. You would then start working on them. Consciously. However, it is almost impossible to completely do away with that damage caused in the formative years. It is relatively easier to break these children's confidence. Subsequent negative feedback only strengthens the negativity further. 

As a child I believed too easily that I was not loved. Whenever someone said, "Your mother does not love you!", I was too eager to believe. Not that I can remember my mother being particularly biased towards my elder sister in terms of giving her more food or anything but I was too prompt to take it to heart when people said I can only get to wear my sister's "grown-out" clothes and not new ones. I, of course wore her clothes even when it meant the school tunic that she grew out of reached my mid-calf, but she also wore "hand me downs" all the time. Many of us wore them while growing up. It was seen as a good thing to get almost new clothes from your cousins, which they grew out of. But then I am digressing. Feedback is not only about your Mother or your Father. It is also about how your Grandmother thought she needed to protect food from you so that your sister got it. It hurt then! My sister never thought she had to get her food protected from me, but our Grandmother was very open about it. Feedback is also about the Paternal Aunt who said, "Whatever you may say, I say the truth. This girl can never look like the elder one. Ever!" in a loud dismissive tone. Those feedback stay. And other add to that injury till the time you read enough books other than the "pretty princess" stories and concentrate on your other qualities. You are still told these things but they don't hurt you like they used to. You also get to know you have several other things to concentrate upon and that pretty princesses have their own reasons to cry and they are no less serious. They are also compared against unreasonable standards. Whatever way it is, the comparisons go on. If not with your siblings then with some imaginary beauty. Some imaginary good boy. Some imaginary smart girl.

Like this small girl, who has already been told she can not go to
an English medium school whereas her brother can,
for she is a girl.

This morning when I was talking to my younger sister she reminded me of a neighbor. She had two absolutely brilliant children. However, the particular day that we were talking about was that day when she was buying some clothes for her daughter. She was clear that her girl was too dark to wear certain colors. She would not let her buy them even. Now juxtapose this with all the advertisement around dark skin you see on TV. Dark skin equals to low confidence. Dark skin equals to no marriage and even worse, no job! That is how you make sure that negative feedback that she got always stay with her. And this is not only for women. I have seen this happening with men too. Many conventionally "not so good looking men" have low self-esteem. And the opposite is also true. Many conventionally good looking males and females have annoying level of self confidence. They are too oblivious of the fact that the moment they open their mouths, you get put off like a candle reaching the last bit of wax. 

Just to present a contrast, and lighten this a bit, you have to take the curious case of my son. He is the other extreme. None of us can make him believe that we don't love him, he is so damn sure himself! He knows he is loved. If in mock anger I ever say, "I don't think I love you any more!" He would probably say, "Don't worry! Wait for a few minutes! You would love me again." I want every child to feel like that. I know it is a bit of your personality and a lot of the feedback you get. Can we change the latter part? Given the fact that children on streets and difficult circumstances get so much negative feedback, is it difficult to understand why they behave, the way they behave? 

I am adding this paragraph as readers felt that I should also write in more details about "resilient" kids. Therefore to continue from the opening paragraph, most children go ahead in spite of this negativity, if they get supportive environment in terms of friends, immediate family, teachers, social circle. There are many of us who do fairly well like myself who keeps questioning even when the constant feedback as a child was that she was "quarrelsome". It has its effect in me. However, thankfully it could not completely kill my debating/questioning nature. My sister on the other hand said that as she was given negative feedback very early about her voice and was constantly compared with her elder sister. Now, even with very expressive demeanor she can not think of stage-acting and get very nervous about speaking from a stage. She has done many other things in spite of negative feedback but this had its "desired" effect on her. Its a shame thinking how many potentials we nip in the bud with our strange words! 

It is also important to remember that you can provide negative feedback to children through both verbal and non-verbal communication. Children are too sharp. It is often described in psychology how a mother affected by Schizophrenia, may pinch her child hard while calling him near with a smile on her face, thereby giving dual messages and confusing the child. The child grows wary, confused, non-trusting. However, think of us, don't we do that too at times? Giving dual messages and confusing children? We, schizophrenia afflicted race of human beings. Don't we? 

Children growing up in this environment often look for external support to build up their self image, almost every day. It is like a ventilator that you need as your lungs do not perform the functions it is supposed to. You observe that these people always expect others to give  them positive feedback or at least, no negative feedback at all. Negative feedback breaks them easily. And when you identify a man or woman with that need, remember what you can do better next time you deal with a child.