It's about a year that we started walking (read, leap-jumping) in the path of providing a crucial support to women who face domestic violence. Here is a story to describe the nature of the work. Read on....
reaching her mother’s place. Her parents in law promptly arrived at their house and demanded a cash compensation! After further negotiations and datelines she was sent back home. This also added another abuse that started getting regularly used. Her family was called a family of thieves! There was always work for Minati. No amount of requests to reduce these to her mother in law or her husband helped her. There were huge number of tasks that Minati was supposed to achieve each day. During all these Minati became pregnant with her first child. It became even more difficult to give in to the household work demands of her mother in law. She now started receiving a slap or two from her husband too as it was seen as her will-full under-performance in household work.
Minati* went back to her own home with her 2 months old infant. Her mother informed us. We were anticipating it. We thus get a break from the follow ups at the family court, advising Minati's mother, counselling Minati, looking after her nutritional needs, emotional needs, regular psycho-social support. A break. Which may be long. May not be too. When we met Minati about 6 months ago, she was already in the second trimester of her pregnancy and was living with her parents. Minati was a 19 year-old when she got married to a guy whom she started talking to via a cross call. The caller must had figured out that she was a young girl, and that was enough for the calls to continue. The man on the other side of the line finally reached her house. Minati's family-home looked better than their real condition. Her father is a unique type of labour who work on creating big pandals for events out of bamboos. There are several hazards associated with this very seasonal work. Workers often fall off the high up platforms while working. Minati's father was no exception. The accident left him severely affected. He can now work at the most e days a week. Minati has another sister. Both girls are dark skinned liked the goddess who stand outside their gate in a small temple.
This home with this temple belies their financial status. Minati's maternal uncle helped her parents build it. He has always been very fond of his sister for her simplicity and her deep devotion to the mother goddess who stood at her gate. It might be a guilt too for marrying off one's sister to a man of almost no means. Whatever it was, the maternal uncle was the guardian angel for Minati's family and the house her beau saw was according to his means and not Minati's family's means. Anyway, the guy started visiting often. Minati's mother was watchful but obviously happy to see a government employee pursuing her daughter. In a society that deeply believes in hyper-gamy, she would not have been able to get a groom with a permanent job. One of the hitches was that the groom’s family lived quite far. Other than that, Minati’s mother did not find anything problematic in this match that was starting with a missed call. The groom’s family came and met Minati. The mother was not too happy about her skin colour but her son was determined.
Everything started changing when the negotiations around the wedding started. The groom’s family wanted 4 lakhs in cash! This was beyond the means of Minati’s family and the negotiations started. This might surprise you if you are someone from other part of the world and asking for “dowry” is prohibited by law in India however, it is so widely accepted that even the civil society does not run any program to prevent it and the large furniture-electronic companies give special discounts during wedding season so that the bride’s parents can buy “everything” for dowry. Minati’s mother tried to reason. Minati’s father was almost an absentee figure in this whole negotiation. There was intense pressure by the groom on Minati during this phase. He expressed his love again and again and said how he wanted to marry Minati in spite of his inability to spend lavishly on a wedding reception. Long story short: Minati’s mother ended up taking Rs 2 lakh as a soft-loan from her brother and also paid an additional Rs 40,000 for the wedding reception at the groom’s place. This is something that has never stop amazing us! A groom’s family which is better off in financial and social status gets to bully the bride’s family to give in to these completely irrational demands and still gets to keep the upper-hand in the relationship. It’s mind-boggling to see how the bride then gets verbally abused (if not more) for not bringing “enough” whereas the groom’s family even organises the party at their end with the former’s money. However, that is the reality, which exists however strange it might seem. With all these terrible premonitions, Minati got married and the trouble started almost immediately.
Minati’s mother in law was most unhappy about how she looked and called her “dark skinned” or “daughter of a beggar” at every opportunity. She was constantly reminded how her son could have got a better dowry had he not been wooed by a wayward woman. On top of it Minati lost a neckpiece on her way to her mother’s place on the eighth day of her marriage. She still does not know if it was already not there in her bag when she started from her in-laws’ place, or she lost it on her way in the train but she did not find it upon
Minati was sent back to her parents’ home because she was not contributing enough.
Her impoverished family found it difficult to handle a depressed pregnant girl and Minati was found more than once walking on the railway line with not so good intention. Minati’s mother wanted her to live but was always keen to send her back to her marital home as she could hardly manage a pregnant woman’s need of getting regular food. After a few months of waiting and trying to re-negotiating sending her back, Minati’s mother realised it would be difficult for her to keep her daughter alive through her pregnancy and she came in contact with us.
MissingLink shelter became Minati’s sanctuary. She would often drop in and stay for two or three nights just to share and feel better. Case workers visited her regularly to counsel. She was helped to take her case to the family court. Her husband was sent a summon by the court to come. The mother informed a neighbour of the husband about this “victory” and as a result the summon was not received by Minati’s in laws. They were told by the neighbour not to. We had to start working all over again and this time the mother had to be counselled to not to pass information to the neighbour. However, between the court procedure and counselling of Minati and providing her nutritional support, her delivery date was approaching.
Minati delivered a baby boy two months ago and her husband who was completely absent from the scene for all these months and did not even bother to take a phone call, appeared at the hospital and handed over money for essentials of the baby and mother. One of our team members called from the field area and said, “Oh the privileges of a son’s mom!” One did not miss the irony in her voice.
After spending two more months in her mother’s home, Minati has now gone back to her in-laws’ place. Are we being sceptical when we say, “We get a break; do not know for how long!”? We are not sure. Our best wishes are always with Minati! However, in our heart of heart, we remain scared. Very scared.
* Name changed to protect identity
P.S: Please read more about Missing Link and its work by looking for and liking @ProjectMissingLink in Facebook.
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