When the "Teenage Syndrome" Strikes!

Being a mother of a teenager is a regular lesson in humility!  You are made to enter and re-enter the class as your teacher fears you may not have learnt the lesson well! A teenager can not take a chance on that! Especially if you have a teenager who thrives on sarcasm (like, mine). 

 Today is a good day to start writing about us because today is one of those days when I barged into his room as his online classes were on, and said (ahem, shouted!),"Do not give me that look! I do not care if your teacher can hear me. Actually pass on her phone number I want to tell her how badly you do your house work! And I want to understand what she thinks about her students failing in basic house work and getting high marks in class exams! How callous was it to run the washing machine with clothes sticking out of the front door?" The boy stayed put on his chair. Only the look changed from, "What are you doing here, Ma?" to "Uh uh! I got myself in trouble!" By the time his class ended and he came out of the room, I was in a call. He walked past me with a smile that can melt a granite block. He moved his lips and said, "Sorry!" I rolled my eyes! His lips moved, "I love you!" and before I could react, he vanished in his room. His cave! I think that is a better description.

This was a good day. I did not go crazy thinking why can't he be more caring? Is it patriarchy? Is it his male privileges that that making him careless? I did not spiral into thinking where did I go wrong!! I Is it because he knows there is no big consequence? I would start thinking although I still keep saying, "Excessive love does not spoil anyone. It is the other things you replace love with...", but on a day when I spiral into doubting all of my parenting techniques at the face of the storm called "an adolescent", am I totally sure? Not at all!

When my son was an infant, a dear cousin used to tell me that every child should be given a "morning dose" and an "evening dose"! I did not listen to him, but can I claim that I never, ever, ever slapped my son? Well! If I do, my son will come telling you the details of at least 3 times that he remembers vividly wherein I did do some physical violence (where is the I am dying of shame emoji!!). One of course turns out to be a story that I had told him about me getting beaten up by my mother and it was so vividly told that he made it his own. But for one of them even remembers what had happened as it was the last day of the summer vacation and he still had some 34 things to do from the holiday homework list!

And oh yes! This is after telling me every single day that he had indeed finished his summer holiday homework.  Yesterday when we were discussing this he reminded me how he indeed finished all his homework when we had planned a long summer holiday somewhere far. He said, “You should have done that every year, Ma! Planned a long vacation to a faraway land. I would finish my homework on time then.” My mistake again, you see!

I am often told by my colleagues and friends that I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to them making fun of me. My years with my teenager has really prepared me for that. None of my friends or colleagues can say anything to me that is worse than the treatment that is meted out to me by my teenager. I get to question my intelligence every day! Coming on to questions, his questions have always been unending and covered a vast majority of topics including virus to aeroplane propellers to communalism to homosexuality to communism but now a days his questions are towards letting you appreciate how illogical you are.

Me: Can you please keep these books and copies in the rack below the tea table?

Gogol: Okay..

Me: Please keep them organised according to size. Do not just shove them there.

Gogol: Why is that necessary?

Me: It looks organised that way.

Gogol: How does that matter? Who looks below the table, Ma? Who is going to check if the rack is well organised or not?

Me: Gogol, things should be organised according to size.

Gogol: Why?

Me: Because they may fall otherwise.

Gogol: I can assure you they would not.

Me: Just keep them organised!

Gogol: See! You have no logic there, beyond your OCD!

There can be a similar discussion on why the top of our 6 Ft Fridge needs cleaning. And when he is completely aghast with my probing about something, he says, “What kind of a question is that, Ma!” However, please do not assume I let it pass then. After a few moments of grumpy silence, I open a discussion about how no question is a bad question and it is the person’s “assumptions” about what the question meant is the source of that irritated question back.

I am generally a non-curious mother. I hope he gives that much to me. I am not bothered about his friends, neither do I try to see who is he talking with and for how long. I trust him on that and many of his schools friends are friendly with me. Actually more friendly than my grumpy teenager these days who wears an invisible hoodie on his head to avoid eye contact (his huge mop of curly hair that has been named "freedom" by him and a dear colleague/friend Patrick, helps in keeping most of his face covered anyway) and can’t feel inspired enough to engage beyond monosyllables. I am hyper on the other hand! Let us take the example of how both of us handled the midnight fire at home the other day. We had an electric short circuit fire at home and Gogol was all jittery till the time he woke me up. However, the moment I was up, he was this Buddha in Padmasana (seated on lotus) Avatar! As I fumbled around the dark smoke filled room to call the electrician, he called the Guard room through the intercom in a calm, no-emergency voice from his lotus top seat, “Hello… haan… Can you call Rakesh Bhaiyya please? …. Yes …the electrician…Yeah, we need him now….” And he gave the flat number. I on the other hand jumped up and down, traced Rakesh’s mobile number and called, “Hello Rakesh! Come up quick! There is a fire! Please hurry!!” Rakesh came up in 3 minutes flat and the guards came to check after a good 15 min what was the matter. Okay! Okay! I have read all about how teenagers’ brain can’t take in “other’s perspective” but the “gender norm” prevalent in this part of the world often worries me if his floating, clueless personality at home is all about how men behave in homes in India in general or it is just a phase and it will go away! For now, I really miss my discussion partner as he gets into this cave of his own in these last year and a half of his teenage and only comes out to ask, “Ma, tell me points on an opinion piece on why political parties should be brought within the ambit of RTI!” Otherwise he can practically sleep through a disaster. 

To be fair, he does his share of housework. I would have been happier though had I seen him doing more cleaning without prompting but I guess clean and organised home is my need, not a teenager’s need. He is happy lying in a bed full of books, clothes, harmonium, tanpura, oil colours, and an iron press. A friend asked the other day, how come with a mother like me, this boy does not already have it in his blood to do housework and why does he need prompting? I reminded him the prevalent norm and the people around him who lectured on gender equality in colleges, and in big congregations, but never practiced them at home. Children only learn from practicing adults. Not from preaching adults.

Saying that, I doubt everyday if I have done even a fair job let alone it being a "good" job in helping him be a better human being. And every slip I see in values is a direct blow to my estimate of myself as a mother. Phew! I guess, I need to go back to that TED talk on adolescents more regularly as Gogol enter the last year of teenage, but then there are a few more studies showing it would probably not go in a year! It seems after counting my blessings through his mid-adolescence, I have finally hit the teenage rock and banging my head regularly on it. Rabindranath said long ago: 

                                     মান্ধাতারই আমল থেকে 

                                           চলে আসছে এমনি রকম 

                                    তোমারি কি এমন ভাগ্য 

                                                                               এড়িয়ে যাবে সকল জখম - 

Loosely translated, it says, "Well! this is so from the times of yore! Why did you even think you will be lucky enough to avoid this trouble, eh?" Sigh!! Sigh!!

Anyway, as I catch a breath or two between the regular sighs, you can congratulate me as this funny-haired teenager who looks at me like I am a Venusian, completes 19 years on earth!