The Price of Not Playing by the Societal Norms!

 As I was reading about leaving a toxic relationship with one's mother and it brought back so many dreaded memories of the time that I was trying to get out of non-functional at best and abusive at worst marriage. As I read through the article by a psychologist talking about a client and came to these lines: 

"She: I will lose all my relatives one by one. Nobody understands I am victim of a toxic mother. They will believe my mother and that I left her when I became independent."

... it brought back the memory of my ex-mother in law shouting at me over phone! "You are such an ungrateful wretch! You are selfish beyond any imagination. I must say that you can't think of anyone else but yourself. Just because you now earn more than him now, you want to leave him!" I stood holding the phone in shock! I always thought of her as a well educated woman who clearly saw I had much more empathy than her own son as she clearly prefered me over him to take care of her when she had any issue or take her to a doctor as the man in question did not even care to look back to see if she was being able to walk with him. I had to learn in those moments that it was not her love for me but me being a better fitted instrument for her purpose. It was after a good 10 minutes that I could mumble, "I earned three times of what he earned 8 years ago! He has almost caught up since then." and I rushed to "my folks" (or so I thought) who were busy telling her over phone that her son was all fine. The same folks who complained non-stop about him to me for years. I literally stood gaping for air as I heard them speaking to my ex MIL, and soon realised I am practically on my own. 

Therefore yes! the girl's fear is real. She will be seen as the bad one. I lost relatives. I lost them because they decided to prioritise their business or social interest or their so-called social status more than their "love" for me. Now! Now!! Who am I fooling here anyway? There is almost no unconditional love in Indian families for girls at least. Not even for boys if they decide not to play by the societal and/or gender norms. God save you if you try to not marry, not have a kid, not take a conventional job, get a divorce, marry in so-called lower castes, other religion, question your parents' decisions and the list is unending. And mind it! There is no god, and hence you will not be saved. You better get used to bearing the burnt of it.  

I decided to live on crumbs that were offered in the name of "support" as I got out of the marriage with a 12 year old kid and a travelling job. I got out at a point when my bank-balance was almost zero given the complete lack of support from my then partner for the last one year. Of course I had to bear hearing a mouthful about how it was harmful for my kid and how I was ending his childhood by prioritising my happiness, in lieu of that support. I see no sign of truth in those lines almost a decade later. I also met psychologists later, who told me, it does immensely good to a child to witness a parent who would not take abuse lying down. That time however, I dutifully heard whatever was told to me and I was too grateful to receive whatever support I recieved. Even when it meant facing judgements, witnessing "shame" to present you to other people, or sitting in your home and talking about what your estranged husband liked to eat when they visited your parents. I always remained one down as I "chose" the partner myself (at the age of 23), who did not play his part. It was all my mistake you see! Everyone therefore naturally got the right to make me feel indebted by just playing " even a part" of their part. 

Talking about the roles of families, you will notice that most families remain "fine" with the child's father not paying for him/her regularly, or playing no part in raising the child. The fathers in our generation have hardly played any part themselves and they probably find it "fair" that the estranged husbands of their daughters or their sons themselves are lackadaisical about child support. They are generally fine that your child receives support both financial and physical, as and when his/her father wishes. They sound almost "grateful" that your child is being paid for a trip to the father's.  Your folks are more than fine with no regualrity. No pattern. I have heard them asking "Why should a father pay, if the mother can afford!" 

They at times go a step further and ask why should a teenager accept father's money for a laptop or a college fee if he did not like the father (given the father's abusive nature)!! Oh yes! You heard me right! If you stand up against an abusive father, the patriachal society actually wants you to forget any support. It is a package you see! Or at least they see it that way. They are absolutely fine with the fact that the mother/the caregiver can not rely on any support from the father once out of the marriage. They often remind her, "You got out! You got what you wanted. Why fret?" Well they like to believe "the choice" was made independent of any other factor. They love to focus on the reaction and not the action that caused it. 

Coming to think of it I feel most Indian families are okay with this because they themselves are as unpredictable in their support towards the woman. It must be familiar by precedence. It is the unity of the abusers that keeps the Indian abusive family structure intact. Do you however see any space to question the family or the toxicity in your parents or the structure itself? That is without being severely reprimanded or judged or even ridiculed?

The great Indian families feed on guilt. In that way I find it hard to identify "normal" families around me.  Most are toxic. The ones that are normal, seem extraordinary to you. 

Google and you will find you having to make excuses for other's behavior and you being guilt-tripped or emotionally blackmailed into doing things, or you feeling anxious, sad, watched around someone are part of toxic patterns. And have you not heard about these from most of your friends when they talk about their parents or parents in law? You will not even have to read books. However, to give the current parents the benefit of doubt, this pattern is passed on from generation to generation. Our parents survived being guilt-tripped and most of them fail to break the mould and pass it as it is. "We had it all life! You should have it too!" seems to be the logic. 

Coming back to the issue of being ready to let go of your natal relationships that thrive on your commitment to fulfilling certain normative expectations, once you decide to live life on your own terms: you will also have to be ready to be okay with people not knowing or not caring for your side of the story. And it takes time. It can be anything; from you deciding to take a job in a foreign country as a married female without your spouse getting a similar one to you leaving a toxic marriage. 

In the first two years after the end of my marriage, I went to everyone I could think of including the people I thought were my friends to tell my side of the story. I agree my story was as broken as I was at that point. I agree I still acknowledge the "good things" that I had in my marriage given the childhood I had. However it was almost impossible to get a patient hearing. I found that they were too quick to jump to conclusion one way or the other. Too quick to give me "solutions" that they thought were the best (including "why dont you stay till your son is 18")! Too quick to project their own lives on me ("aisa mere sath bhi huya hai, par maine aisa tumhare jaisa nahi kiya..."). 

I did not feel welcome to tell my side of the story as it got clearer and clearer in my head. I quickly learned to read the signals. I had to realise that people with so much prejudices against single women, so much normative baggage about how parents act, would never be ready to listen.  

There were two people who stood rock-solid by me. My younger sister and the woman I have the privilege to call my best friend for more than 2 decades now. They also held each other. I was given a solid advice by a cousin I acquired by marriage. She asked me to seek the help of a counsellor. This was the best advice I could get at that point. I also got support of a friend who did not hesitate to say, "I was there. I saw what you went through..." And incidentally all of them were women. Largely however, I had to be happy telling people, "You know what I was the bad one! I was the one who prioritised my happiness over keeping a non-existent marriage." and it suited everyone! They were relieved not being made to realise that they had witnessed my abusive marriage and were fine with it. It even suited my natal family to have this interesting line that it was "something" between a couple that they did not want to get involved. They took that line knowing everything that transpassed. Do you notice the chilling similarity with the line that is used for not intervening into a DV incident? It is "between a couple". A husband not paying money at home for family expenses, is "between the couple". A husband deciding to not to talk to the wife for weeks, months altogether, is "between the couple". A husband not taking care, showing passive aggression, is "between the couple". And then an ex-husband not taking responsibility of his child is between "an estranged couple"! You can, on the other hand, carry on being nice to the man as these things go on. This is nothing to you! "He has never behaved badly with me!" Oh yes! I had to hear that too. It is the patriarchal tradition, the norms that hold the man always right. If he is not talking, he is "bechara..."! If he is shouting his head off, you must have done something to trigger him that way! 

Oh! Then I read in an article yesterday that they first punch near you (and it is not DV till you can show your bruises) and it reminded me of a bent aluminium cloth drier that remained in my house for years as a chilling reminder of the rage that man was capable of showing. 

The decision in India to end a marriage therefore is not about living with the disappointment of a failed relationship but also to witness yourself losing your social status and become an object of curious scrutiny. The other day, some close friends had come over for lunch. We know one of them is suffering a breakdown in her marriage. One of the friends with all empathy was trying to make her understand that she should end the farce and  start afresh. I told her that I would not be as ready to give this advice to our friend. Someone who's life revolves around family and religious events such as Janeu (sacred thread) ceremony, Teej, Karwa Chowth, wedding functions with couple dances and couple parties on Diwali nights, has a lot to lose with loss of the tag "married". I know I have done it but I do not advice it unless you have calculated your losses and made up your mind squarely about that. 

For most Indian men in broken marriages, the calculation is a different one though. Without an unpaid labourer at home, it is a definite downhill slide in terms of economic status. It is much better to stay than to leave without the cars and the extra cash for weekend fun, And what fun if they can gaslight the wife into believing that they are not leaving because it is "better" that way for her. It is better for her to slave at home while listening to "what do you do for the whole day" and be at the butt of "idiot-wife" jokes than having a chance to live in a separate flat with child-support and chance to find love. 

And thus continues the toxic Indian family saga full of shifting blames, guilt-tripping, calling names. Try breaking away from it and be prepared to hear, "Now that she feels all independent....."

Some readings:

https://feminisminindia.com/2017/01/23/toxic-families-beyond-ideal-family/

https://feminisminindia.com/2020/06/09/dysfunctional-families-psychological-effects-lockdown/?fbclid=IwAR3b71aDT03E2VgbSMRfCN6piG1yfon3J8_fObEuaZQ4GU43NQC4k1hT0uQ

https://www.womensweb.in/2021/10/netflix-series-maid-the-many-shades-of-domestic-violence-oct21wk3sr/?utm_source=WWFB&fbclid=IwAR2ZHihUyMb8ma2tqw5rbHefL7K8R61gXvU5CJC8jwG09LkWcd2wr1fxDa4